Tuesday, February 16, 2010

GUEST POST by Fayth W. Sims: I Do Not Want to Sleep With My Son

     I am proud to post this essay from my first guest blogger, Fayth Sims. Fayth and I met a couple years ago at the public library and have since become friends. She is a Christian, Woman, Wife, Mother, Student of Academia & Life. I have been asking her for some time for a guest post, and she graciously provided her essay I Do Not Want to Sleep With My Son. Thank you Fayth for your contribution to The Itch. I hope it is one of many to come.  
I Do Not Want to Sleep With My Son
by Fayth W. Sims

Overwhelmed, underappreciated women are taking a stand nightly. Gone are the days of “I have a headache” and “It’s that time of the month.” Without hesitation, these women are saying to their husbands “I do not want to sleep with you, because it’s like sleeping with my son.” Some yearning men are saying withholding sex as punishment is the newest tactic of domestic Women’s Lib. However, if we dig deeper, we may find that women are not withholding sex as punishment, they are withholding sex because their bodies are naturally telling them they are not with an equal partner.

Call it a power play to get what you want, call it a passive aggressive women’s game, just make sure you call it effective, sometimes. It is important to start at the beginning and examine how a couple gets to the point where a wife no longer has that “lovin’ feelin'”. It is natural, in many traditional heterosexual relationships, for a woman to seek out a strong provider and protector. Take the wild for example, once the king has been identified, the lionesses in the pride submit to him. If ever another male rises in power the lionesses learn their former king is no longer able to provide and protect them. Consequently, they submit to the new king.

Imagine a day that starts at five o’clock a.m. This waking time is not for her benefit, but for the benefit of those who share her home. Soon she is greeted by ironing that needs completion, breakfast that needs cooking, lunches that need packing, back-packs that need checking, throw in outfit approvals, permission slips, hurt feelings, sibling squabbles and then, she hears it. The faint sound of a bear hibernating, as though the sound barrier breaking alarm clock hasn’t been going off for five minutes, takes her blood from an early morning simmer to a pan-scorching boil. As she continues through her day, because she must continue, she knocks the tasks out one by one. When her day finally draws to a close, a close for her, that is - because the household retired hours prior, the bear, who somewhere during the week became “the son” because he had to be "reminded" to take out the trash eight times this week, expects her to participate in carnal interaction without even considering she will have to rise in about three hours. As she cranks up her coldest shoulder ever, the only question that comes into her mind is, “Why should I trust you to find your way around the complexities of my pelvic region, when a broom and mop seems to baffle you?”

The controversy comes in when authors like, Stormie Omartian of “The Power of a Praying Wife” suggests,
“When your husband communicates to you what he has in mind, as only a husband can
do, don’t roll your eyes and sigh deeply. Instead, say, “Okay, give me fifteen minutes.”
(Or twenty, or whatever you need.) During that time, do something to make yourself feel
attractive. Pray for God to renew your energy. He’ll be happier and you’ll both sleep
According to Omartian, choosing to ignore his desires is against “God’s idea” (62) and is tantamount to leaving “yourselves open for temptation.” (63). I believe in a powerful God, but I think it sends the wrong message to men when the wife is sexually amiable at one o’clock in the morning after an arduous day of doing everything and directing everyone only to wake four hours later and do it again, ALONE. To decree that my lifeless body, lifeless because I’ve spent my day at the behest of domestic duties, is the possible, no probable reason my husband decided to cheat is irresponsible. Omartian is not alone in this belief. Online blogger, Erin Webb advises,
“Even if you’re not in the mood for sex, ACT LIKE YOU ARE. Come on, it’s not like it
last’s that long anyway. Fake a smile, let out several moans of excitement, then you get to
go to bed. Look at it this way, sex is actually really good cardio, so if you have sex with
your husband, you only have to jog for 28 minutes that day.”

According to “Newsweek Magazine”, “Married couples say they have sex an average of 68.5 times a year. That's slightly more than once a week.” An impromptu poll of my online friends suggested over seventy-five percent of the women no longer want to have sex because they no longer feel like a woman, but a maid. In Leslie Goldman’s article “10 Reasons You’re Not Having Sex” this exact sentiment was expressed by Dr. Michael Krychman (a man, "down for the cause"... YAY) when he said,
“You spend your days working, cooking, working out, taking care of the family. And, still, at 11:30 p.m., “you’re expected to wave this magic goddess wand,” Krychman says. It’s enough to make even Pamela Anderson curl up in bed and cry, 'headache'.” Even though online blogger, Babajidesalu, hit the nail on the head when he wrote, “When a woman withholds sex, she’s trying to send a message” and "The last thing a woman wants to do when she’s feeling any kind of negative emotion, whether it’s mad, sad, frustrated, annoyed, stressed, or worn out, is get busy between the sheets. While many guys can turn off the unpleasant feelings and get down to business, a woman finds it more difficult to push those emotions aside and get aroused", he still went into viewing the dry spells as manipulative tactics instead of natural disdain for a lesser mate.

Thankfully Paul Endrei attempts to instruct men on how to pamper their wives. “Give her a day where she does absolutely nothing around the house.” Personally, I do not think a whole day is necessary if a partnership approach is exercised daily. This approach must be seen as doing your part and not as helping her with hers. Terms like “helping her”, suggests that the work is her sole responsibility and you are pitching in. Instead, make it clear to her which things she won’t have to worry about handling and complete them to her standards in a timely fashion.

For every midday Christian radio show that instructs a woman on her “wifely duties” and admonishes her for expecting a man to do “women’s work”, I am thankful for online articles like, “Housework—The New Aphrodisiac?” by Associated Press. In this article Dr. Joshua Coleman tells men, if they want more sex, they should vacuum or do laundry. He further contends, "If a guy does housework, it looks to the woman like he really cares about her…equitable sharing of housework can lead to a happier marriage and more frequent sex. We know there's nothing sexier these days than a man who takes out the trash without being asked.” I contend, when our spouses take things off of our plates during the day, they secure a blissful night for themselves. Instead of worrying about what cleaning will do to their manhood, men need to rest assured, grabbing a feather duster, mating socks, unloading AND loading the dishwasher, ACTUALLY CHECKING HOMEWORK FOR NEATNESS & ACCURACY will lead her to making sure the "manhood" is well "acknowledged"!

Fayth L. W. Sims

Works Cited

Endrei, Paul and Patti. Glue. Tulsa: Vision Imprints Publishing, Inc., 2006 49. Print.

Omartian, Stormie. The Power of the Praying Wife. Eugene: Harvest House Publishers, 1997.

Brewster, Melissa, et al. “We're Not In The Mood.” Newsweek 2003.

“Housework—the new aphrodisiac? Men who do chores may get more sex.” Bnet.com
San Francisco, CA. March 2008 <http://findarticles.com/p/articles/mi_m1355/is_11_113/ai_n25336126>

Goldman, Leslie. “10 Reasons You’re Not Having Sex.” Health.com. July 2009

Webb, Erin. “How to Keep Your Husband for Life.” Ehow.com. 12 Sept. 2009

Babajidesalu. “Reasons Women Withhold Sex.” Wordpress.com. 10 Oct. 2009

A recommended read:
The Lazy Husband, by DR. JOSHUA COLEMAN


Unknown said...

Ah, so so true. I know of very few marriages where the husband did NOT regress into boyhood soon after the wedding. If not then, than certainly with the addition of kids. The wife takes on more and more, wearing so many different hats, and the husband gets to retain the playful, carefree boyishness of his youth. Many of the women I know simply outgrow their husbands. They continue to grow and change and evolve and often their husbands do not. They'll chide the wife to "have more fun....relax a little bit!" without a trace of irony in their voice. Men often complain that their wives change into nagging old hags after the wedding. Well, if you're going to keep acting like a 15 year old boy, SOMEONE has to take on the role of the adult in the family.

I guess the saying is true: foreplay begins in the kitchen. And not just an occasional quick clean-up expecting sex in return, but a daily acknowledgment that your wife is more than a maid around the house.

If I'm feeling like a maid, I'm not really keen on jumping into the sack with my employer, or, as you said, my overgrown child. And you certainly don't want to sleep with your mom, do you??

George said...

Thanks for the great article. I think one of the reasons I like it is because I can see some of myself in the husband you write about. Your post helps to remind me of the hard work my wife does as the primary care-giver of our son. Even though I think I help more than many husbands and fathers, there are times I could do better. Thanks, Dear, for all you do!

Fayth said...

WOW Laura! Where were you when I wrote this. I certainly could have used some of your zingers!